I give in, I surrender

I know I have been running from you. Running because I feel I do not deserve you or that you do not deserve a useless thing, a traitor like me. Running because I’m afraid you’ll reveal my pretense. That you’ll catch me and hold me to a commitment I cannot live with. I’m running because I do not want to admit that the past years had all just been a play. No real relationship, no serious commitment. Not love and knowledge-based, all hot air and emotions and broken promises.

I am running because I know I have been hurting you badly, nailing you again and again. And it is sin that I choose to nail you. I’m betraying you. I say that I am for you but I show otherwise in my actions. I cannot or am not willing to tell the world about you. To declare whatever little faith is planted in me, to shout and speak of the things you can do. This all appears to be a bluff. I’m not serious when I say you are my God, my Lord, my Master.

I cannot face you so I run away from you. I don’t want confrontation. I don’t want to be exposed of my sins, my lies, my shortcomings. For I do know you do not deserve any of these. And I’m afraid of what you will ask from me in exchange of all the darkness I hold in my heart. I know and am convinced that you will not settle for an imperfect me. That you will prune and cut and stretch me. You’ll break me, drown me, burn me. You’ll change me and won’t stop until you are sure I am spending eternity with you.

Part of me is wishing and hoping for all of these—or just the result of it—eternity with you. But I’ll admit it now, I don’t want to undergo the process. It’s laborious work. Uncomfortable and painful. It will require me to eat my pride and develop humility. To break laziness and complacency. To leave and burn and destroy the indwelling sin. This relationship will get the things I am enjoying today- enjoying although I know all is temporary and worthless and sinful.

Now what do you want me to do? Please just plant that desire within me. That desire to be sold out for you- to die once and for all, to never get back to the old life, the vomit. To never fall away and pierce nails through you again. To be engulfed totally in you. Own me.

There is this desire in me to be deserving of you. And I know this is part of the eternity you placed in the human heart. But I don’t know how the process works. And I am not sure of what is waiting for me in the end. I doubt the possibility of being holy. Of being loved by a perfect you. Of being forgiven and understood. Of being given the best plans. All too good and glorious to be true.

And I don’t want to start again from scratch. It will require me to throw and abandon everything I believed I was doing right. All the good feelings and memories. All achievement, if I could really call it achievement. You are requiring me to count these things trash for us to start anew and build a serious, love and commitment-based, lasting relationship.

I feel it’s always back to zero and I feel stuck. More than being unproductive, the worse thing is that I am falling away. I’m not just a fruitless branch; I am a rotting branch. And the very things that make me rot away are those which I refuse to surrender to you. But now, I give in. I surrender to you, my pruner and master.

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