Why surprise me this way, Lord? Why show him again to me? You know that I’ve been thinking about him. I miss him. Terribly miss him. But am resolving not to think about him. To surrender him to you. And trust your choice, and your will.
Am trying here, Lord. Although I will admit that at times, I really pray in my heart, you know it, that it is him. But I know that this is something I do not determine. This is something that is lived through faith in you. This is one area in my life where I can glorify you. So what do I say, God? Let it be your choice. Your man. And not he who I desire and want.
But you are making things harder, Lord. Did you hear my heart beat earlier? Did you see what filled my mind? Did you see how I tremble? Am excited Lord, and my heart is ecstatic. And it, too, is afraid. And confused. And burdened. What now? What do I do now Lord? What is it for?
To hear his voice again. To see his eyes. His face. To walk beside him. Even for 30 seconds. It’s hope for me again. Why give me hope, Lord? When in the end, this is not your will?
You know what I am afraid of, God? I am afraid that I’ll desire him again, and pray that it is him again. That I will place him in an unwanted position in my heart. Am afraid of false hopes. Of illusions. Am afraid of pain. Of not having a happy ending.
But I trust you, God. You know what you are doing. Always. And it is your will that this happens. What can I say to you, Lord? I believe you are keeping your promise. That in due time, in your time, you are handing my heart to the man that you ordained. To the ally in life I am praying for. To the husband I will serve, to the one I will be with as we serve you and let your name be glorified here.
Lord, guard my heart and let me keep my promise. Give me strength to resist whatever I am feeling now. Whatever desire I have which is not according to your will. Lord. Lord. Give me the assurance, Lord. That love will come at the appointed time. That faith will take me to your man.
Feb 28, 2012, 8:40p
a thousand footnotes 